Joke of the Day – Top 10 Man-gina/She-nis Activities

Things a Man Would Do if He Woke up with a Vagina
10. Immediately go shopping for a vibrator
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half
8. See if he could finally do a split
7. See if it’s truly possible to launch a ping-pong ball 20 feet
6. Cross his legs without rearranging his crotch
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 20 minutes
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too
1. Finally find that damn G-Spot
Things a Woman Would Do if She Woke up with a Penis
10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world
9. Get a blowjob
8. Find out what is so fascinating about “beating the meat”
7. Pee standing up
6. Determine WHY you can’t hit the bowl consistently
5. Find out what it is like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm
4. Touch/shift herself in public without a thought as to how improper it might seem
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction that occurs between a man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member, which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement
1. Repeat #9

The Drive By

I stood on the corner of 81st and 2nd – our agreed upon meeting place. I told her I’d meet her inside the Starbucks, but she insisted that I wait on the corner. She was driving in from Jersey, and we discussed the possibility of going somewhere further downtown. She didn’t want to deal with looking for parking twice so she wanted me to wait for her on the corner like some meat packing district trannie whore at precisely 7:30 pm. I knew it was gonna be pretty damn cold out on Saturday night, and it was, so I told her to just call me when she got to our designated meeting place, and I’d jump right out and meet her. “I’d really rather you waited outside,” she said when we spoke that afternoon. I had neither the patience, nor the desire to argue with her, so I gave in like the spineless shithead who’s been on too many dates, that I am.

I sat in the Starbucks until 7:28, when I stepped outside to meet this demanding New Jersey resident. I waited, and shivered until around 7:34, when a white Toyota, covered in bird shit, with Jersey plates slowed down at the corner. The female driver looked in my general direction, and took off. The driver seemed a little older than the woman in the picture I was sent by the person who set us up, but she was gone so quickly it was really hard to tell if it was her. I stood there like an ass until 7:41, when the same Toyota pulled up to the corner, and came to a complete stop. The driver rolled down her window and said, “Marc?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“Hey. Get in,” she said.

“Sarah?,” I said cautiously.

“Yeah, yeah, get in. It’s cold,” she responded as she rolled her window back up.

It must be real cold inside that heated car, I thought. I’m the one that’s been freezing my nuts off for the past thirteen minutes waiting for you, you asshole, my internal voice continued. I wanted to lay into her so badly, but instead I just got into the car to get some warmth.

“Was that you who drove by around 5,10 minutes ago, and then drove off?,” I asked, as I sat in the passenger seat of her filthy Camry, wondering whether or not they had car washes in Jersey.

“Yeah,” she said.

“Why didn’t you stop?,” I inquired.

“I was checking you out. One of the advantages of not living in the city and having a car. You can drive off if you don’t like what you see,” she said giggling.

“So how come you didn’t stop the first time?,” I asked, as my body temperature shot immediately back up to its normal level due to my blood boiling.

“I couldn’t really get a good look the first time, and I didn’t want you to see me.”

“Well, I saw you.”

“But I stopped the second time,” she said, as if I was supposed to feel honored.

“I think you’re gonna have to stop a third time,” I responded.

“Why?”

“To let me out,” I said.

“Really?, she asked, surprised.

“Really!,” I responded angrily.

“FINE!, she said, equally as angrily, as she jerked the car over to the curb. She barely came to a complete stop, and I somehow managed to jump out without having to tuck and roll like I was Chuck Norris in some cheesy 80’s action movie.

The last thing I heard her bark was, “Can you close the door?!… It’s freezing!”

No shit, bitch, I thought to myself, as I ignored her, and walked the ten blocks home in the cold.

Joke of the Day – Thank You For Flying With Us

A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system.
”As soon as I clock off” he said, ”I’m going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the arse off that blonde flight attendant.” The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over in the aisle.

A little old lady sitting there whispered, ”There’s no need to hurry love, he said he was going to have a beer first.”

Joke of the Day – Who Is God?

A little kid asks his father, “Daddy, is God a man or a woman?”
“Both son. God is both.”

After awhile the kid comes again and asks, “Daddy, is God black or white?”

“Both son, both.”

“Daddy, does God love children?”

“Yes son, he loves all children.”

The child returns a few minutes later and says, “Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?”

Joke of the Day – Redneck Wins the Lottery

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, “I want my $20 million.”

To which the man replied, “No sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today, and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.

The Redneck said, “I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it.”

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!”

Joke of the Day – Sex Therapy – Florida Style

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist’s office.

The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”

The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, “I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?”

The old man says, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare…!

Joke of the Day – Backwoods High Tech

Backup – What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug – The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte – What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip – Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal – Time to call the undertaker.
Crash – When you go to Junior’s party uninvited.
Digital – The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette – Female Disco dancer.
Fax – What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker – Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet – Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac – Big Bubba’s favorite fast food.
Megahertz – How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem – What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad – Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network – Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM – Where the pope lives.
Screen – Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port – A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor – Amtrak’s Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) – What you call your week-old underwear.

The Door Blocker

The date was a formality. It was disinterest at first sight… on both our parts. One of those dates during which you both say to yourselves, “Okay. An hour, and I’m done. I’ll be polite, but this chick/guy is not for me.”

She had the physique of R2D2, and the personality of Chewbacca….kind of angry at the world. I think I even heard her growl a few times. I’m sure she had nothing particularly nice to say about me either. You’d have to check her blog for that . I’m guessing the address is something like:

www.34-bitter-bitchy-and-not-nearly-as attractive-as-I think-I-am.blogspot.com.

After about 45 minutes of forced conversation at the French Roast across the street from her place, I walked her back across the street, and stood at her building’s entrance. It was that awkward moment at the end of a first date that you both know will not result in a second. I wanted to simply say, “Okay. Nice meeting you. Take Care,” and leave. But despite the mutual disinterest, I still felt the need to engage her in polite conversation. She complained during the date about some exam she needed to take for work. I asked her about the specifics of the exam, and she stood there with her arms stretched – covering the entrance to her front door like a security guard preventing groupies from entering the band’s dressing room after the concert.

My mouth moved, asking her the inane question about her work, but my mind was only able to focus on this chick protecting that door with her life. As far as she was concerned, there was no way I was getting into her building, or into her precious goodies. I couldn’t believe she thought I was being anything but polite. Did she actually think I wanted some of what she got? ‘Cuz she ain’t got shit! Maybe I SHOULD try and get in, I thought for a second. This way I can hang a mirror somewhere in her apartment so she could see for herself how incredibly wrong she was about my interest in her.

Instead, I waited for her terse response to my question, and then said, “Okay. Nice meeting you. Take Care.” She said the same, and ran into her building like it was 1976 and the Son of Sam was on the loose.

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